"Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone"

I decided to take a break from my "serious adult reading" and read the recently donated "serious teen reading" Sweet Valley High: Secrets.
I didn't really get into the Sweet Valley High series -- by the time I was old enough to read them, I wasn't interested (college is a different story). I did read about 30 or so of the Sweet Valley Twins series in grade school. Actually, I am embarrassed to admit I was probably in 5th or 6th grade still reading SVT, while I noticed today that when I cracked open Secrets, it's recommended for ages 12 and up. Alright, I was a bit immature back then and still wanted to be a member of the unicorn club, ok?!

This title was the second in the SVH series following the lives of beautiful California twin sisters, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield (I recall each SVT book was required at some point to mention their tanned skin, sunkissed hair, eyes as blue as swimming pools) as they navigate the turbulent waters of teen life at Sweet Valley High. I found Secrets to be particularly dull as it spent most of its 118 pages chronicling the break-up of secondary characters Enid and Ronnie after Jessica gives Ronnie a copy of a letter from Enid's ex-boyfriend (discussing how they used "bennies" and once hit a kid with their car!) and instead of being upset with Enid's drug abusing, kid running over past, Ronnie is jealous that she's still communicating with her ex! At the same time there is a rumor going around started by that bitch Lila Fowler that their French teacher is having an affair with the student she tutors after school. This is some scandalous shiz for a 12-year-old!
I thought a more appropriate title for this book would have been Gossip, since that was going on throughout, and I was more than half way through when I remembered that it was about secrets instead: Enid's secret past, the fact that she was keeping it a secret from her jerky boyfriend, and Jessica secretly copying the letter and letting Elizabeth take the rap. Oh yeah, the reason why Jessica is trying to ruin Enid's life is because she doesn't want her sister Elizabeth to have any other friends and Jessica wants to be crowned queen of the dance so that she can be with hunky Bruce Patman.
I was only 5-years-old when this book came out, and I find the language and descriptions even embarrassing for back then -- the teachers "sock it to (them)" with homework, outdated references to E.T. and the Boston Strangler, and the clothing descriptions! The lead singer of the Droids (SV's "answer to the Rolling Stones" with a female lead?) is all decked out in "black velvet jeans, sparkly pink leg warmers over the jeans and a purple satin top." Yes, I think I turned out fine for having skipped this series during my formative years.
On a scale of squeaky clean teen fun, Sweet Valley High: Secrets is more badass than staying out past your curfew since Jessica actually gets into some wine(!), but not as hardcore as, say crushing up Smarties candy and snorting it like cocaine off of your desk during recess.
Not recommended for: adults with a reading level above 6th grade, or today's teen, who probably doesn't know who E.T. or the Boston Stranger are.

Dolores - miserable by name and by content

The title of 60's sensational author Jacqueline Susann's last book is Dolores -- a name of Spanish origin, meaning "sorrows". And what a sorry book this was!
Susann made the big time in 1966 with the barbiturates influenced modern girl's story Valley of the Dolls and continued to churn our likewise fluff, but never as successfully, for the rest of her writing career. Dolores was her last book, published posthumously and based off of a short story she had done for a women's magazine and finished by a close friend.
Because I like trash and had been somewhat entertained by her other works, I decided to give Dolores a try. The book reads like one of your friends is telling you their deep dark secrets -- but only if that friend has had too much to drink and is drifting in and out of a Jim Beam induced coma. The story meanders without character development or anything really interesting going on. I read it a few years ago and apparently was so bored with it I didn't pick up on the fact that it was a thinly veiled take on Jackie O's life, complete with the main character being married to an Irish Catholic president who is assassinated during a parade, and then the main character goes on to live it up glam style in NYC. The New York Times review of the book called it "a fanzine version of clippings and rumors about the former First Lady and the people who surround her. The writing is sluggish and the plot limp."
The only thing that interested me about this book was a folded up piece of paper in the back of it. I had purchased my copy from a bargain bag at the thrift store so this was not a library copy, but the paper in the back was a listing of about 12 people's names and work addresses with directions that Dolores was their book club's selection and that once one had finished reading it, they should cross their name off of the list and send it on to the next woman. The date at the top said "August 1977." Only three names had been crossed off, but it did interest me to see that apparently Peg Johnston, employed on the Second Floor at Mitre had broken the chain. Good for you, Peg, hope your coworkers appreciated you took a bullet for them!
On the smut scale, this book barely gets an eyebrow raised and certainly no gasps, nothing worth underlining and rereading later. I think I have witnessed episodes "Antiques Roadshow" that had more shock value. Recommended for: Susann fans who absolutely want to read everything she wrote including stuff she barely wrote for whatever insane reason, people obsessed with Jackie Kennedy, and possibly extremely bored teens who have finished reading all other books that reference drugs looking for instruction and want to reminisce about 70's pill-poppin' NYC, but where nothing ever happens.

Things that go bump in the night

Slogging through this book was an unhappy incident, but one unfortunately of my own choosing. I decided to read Werewolf: A True Story of Demonic Possession by Ed and Lorraine Warren as part of the background research I was doing on werewolves for my unfinished attempt at a literary classic retelling with monsters. Since my classic monster tale never even really got started, I was quite sorry to have wasted time reading this work.
Werewolf: A True Story of Demonic Possession is supposedly the story of Bill Ramsay, a Brit who seemed to be under the impression that he was turning into a werewolf. The authors of the book, the Warrens, claimed to be expert "demonologists," and became involved with Ramsay in order to tell his story and attempt an exorcism. The Warrens were also involved in the more famous Amityville Horror, which was penned by a different author, and I can only say that perhaps they should have done the same for this tale because it was one big confusing yawn.
The Warrens refer to themselves in the third person, strange enough, but they also extol their own virtues as experts in exorcism in the third person, without the slightest hint of self-awareness or irony. There were tense problems too which added to the confusion and the story of Ramsay as the werewolf never really solidified. There were some silly old black and white photographs reported featuring Ramsay mid-transformation during the exorcism, but little else of interest.
This book was set to be discarded, but it was suddenly recalled for a hold and placed back into circulation.
On the cheap thrills scale, this book ranks a 1 out of possible 10 -- better than shaving someone's back hair, but more boring than staring at the DVD cover of The Amityville Horror. Recommended for: weirdos who are into this stuff, older kids bored of reading the "Goosebumps" series.

My Darling, My Hamburger

During my late elementary school and early middle school years, I remember constantly flipping by this book in the scant young adult collection, curious about what it might be about, but repelled by its weird title. The author, Paul Zindel, is probably best known for his play The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds, but also dabbled in writing young adult novels (also with usually weird titles). My Darling, My Hamburger explores the relationships and friendships of four teens in their senior year of high school. Typical teen problems are examined like insecurity, romance, family problems, and teen pregnancy. I found most of the characters to be sort of flat, stereotypical/stock characters (the pretty girl, her fat friend, the awkward nerd, the cool guy, etc) and would've liked more character development, but the story is definitely more plot driven (by the "unexpected" pregnancy).
The book is probably not very relevant for today's teens (considering teens are much more sexually active, the legalization of abortions, etc.) however, when examining the book from its publication date of 1969, it was probably groundbreaking in its subject matter.
On a scale of teen fun, I'd say reading this book is probably better than actually having an abortion, but you will probably fantasize about punching every character in the face. Not recommended for: the not so easily fazed fans of Gossip Girl, or foodies who think there might be an appearance of a hamburger somewhere in this book.