More Bad Author Photos

Meet Johnny Boggs. Johnny is a writer of--wait for it!--westerns. Johnny feels the need to look "authentic." Who can blame him? Lots of us white people feel similarly fraudulent most of the time. Some of us put on hoodies and rap CDs and start using our version of the urban patois we picked up from TV shows and movies. Some of us get MLS's and write bitter nonsense in blogs. But Johnny has a real need to look authentic: he has an author photo shoot to go to. He had to think fast, our Johnny. He could have worn the Dockers and polo shirt he wears most days, but that didn't feel right. Even if Zane Grey himself (or rather, his own self) dressed like an accountant for his author snaps, times have changed, and the people expect their western authors to look, well, western. Such a problem! He had the hat and the unshaven look of the mountain man, but he didn't have the clothes. Quickly, he dashed to his closet. There, in the back, past the Members Only jacket from his youth and the souvenir velvet Chicago Cubs pullover, was the scratchy wool tunic he wore in high school band where he cut a fine figure marching along in his white shoes, swinging his clarinet to and fro to the jazzy, marchy renditions of the Prince songs he loved so dearly. But he'd put on a little weight in the intervening years, and it no longer buttoned up at the neck so well any more. What to do? But Johnny is nothing if not resourceful. He rifled Mom's linen closet until he found the yellow tablecloth she only used for about a week and a half in the spring when the jonquils were full on. She wouldn't miss it for one afternoon. Or would she? If she did, there'd be no pie on Sunday. Throwing caution to the wind like the ornery desperadoes in his books, Johnny wrapped the tablecloth around his neck, hopped in the Hyundai with the "I'd Rather Be Killin' Injuns" bumper sticker on it, and sped off to the photo studio.

Satan + Teens = Good Times

I first read Jay's Journal when I was like 11 or 12 because it seemed like a pretty badass thing to do, like wearing Megadeth t-shirts to school and flipping off my gym teacher (when he wasn't looking). This book seemed like it was the ultimate taboo: drugs, sex, alcohol, and SATAN!!! And it was someone's personal true diary so reading it was like extra naughty.
Now, nearly two decades later, I decided to give the book another try as crossed by my desk on its way out of our library collection. Jay's Journal is supposedly the "true" story of a 16-year-old boy who committed suicide in 1971, based off his diary discovered by "Dr." Beatrice Sparks who just so happened to come across another shocking teen diary, the more popular Go Ask Alice, another "true" story of a teen girl who gets involved with drugs and prostitution. This cautionary tale starts off with 14-year-old Jay starting high school and scribbling in his diary lots of stuff a 14-year-old boy would never say, not in the 1970's, not now. The language is probably one of the things that bothered me the most, in that it comes across as so unauthentic and reads exactly like a phony doctor trying to sound like a teen - can you dig it?
Jay's life is full of ups and downs: Jay hates his parents, Jay loves his two best friends, Jay gets a girlfriend, Jay's girlfriend is addicted to amphetamines, Jay gets a job in his dad's pharmacy, Jay steals drugs for his girlfriend, Jay has sex, Jay drinks and uses drugs, Jay gets sent to bad boys town type place, Jay gets introduced to psychic powers by a weirdo staff member who later molests another boy, Jay becomes religious, Jay gets another girlfriend, Jay plays with a ouija board, Jay plays with crystals, Jay joins the debate team -- you know, typical teen stuff. Except, oh yeah Jay learns to levitate things (he does this a lot in the book), uses PCP, has his girlfriend cut her fingers and bleed into his mouth and call him "master," practices hexes and voodoo, sacrifices animals, gets married, has a demon named "Raul" haunting him, and watches his friends die as they try to turn their backs on Satan! Rereading Jay's Journal made me feel like Sparks had some serious problems with editing, as each scene is just one over the top moment over the next. And let's not forget the poetry scattered throughout:
Golly Gee I'm glad I'm me/There's no one else I'd rather be./I smile on every bird and tree./Life is a ball. I'm in love with me!/And the music is great too!
Uh, yeah. Reportedly, the book is based on a real teen who did commit suicide and had a diary, but only 25 of the total 221 entries are from his diary, and none of them were about the occult, which he wasn't into. RUH ROH! Sparks filled in the rest herself based on experiences working with other teens, while she didn't bother changing enough details so that people recognized the real teen and terrorized his Utah family. The book has been described as a "Mormon Horror Fiction" because Sparks the book uses church scare tactics to serve as a cautionary tale. Apparently she didn't stop there, her other titles include: It Happened to Nancy (she's dying of AIDS), Annie's Baby: The Diary of Anonymous, a Pregnant Teenager, Treacherous Love: The Diary of an Anonymous Teenager (teen gets involved with her teacher), Kim: Empty Inside: The Diary of an Anonymous Teenager (eating disorders). "Dr." Sparks was sure lucky she kept coming across all these troubled teen diaries!
On the scale of Satanic Teen Fun, I would rank Jay's Journal's spook factor higher than any of the Harry Potter series or listening to KISS records, but less than watching Paranormal Activity or saying "Bloody Mary" 13 times in front of a mirror. Recommended for 11 or 12-year-olds who like wearing metal t-shirts to school and flipping off their gym teacher.

Kids books where the beloved pet dies

I picked up this title from our donation bin, where someone had donated a bunch of 1960's children's chapter books. Jenny Lind and Her Listening Cat looked cute enough, but it turned out to be one of those kids books where the beloved pet dies.
The back cover provides the best summary: "Jenny is so lonely. Her mother is too busy to take care of her, and her father is almost never home. That's why she must live with strangers. One day the lonely girl finds a cat. Jenny loves to sing, and now she has someone to sing to. Her cat listens to her beautiful voice. And so do others. Then one day someone very special hears her sing."
Spoiler alert: the very special someone isn't her cat, because the poor thing dies less than half way through. Jenny lives a miserable existence, even compared to 60's kids without their cable tv. Her mother shames her about her singing and then convinces Jenny's dad that they should give their daughter away to neighbors. At this point, Jenny has spent the majority of the book crying and the only silver lining appears in the form of a stray kitten that Jenny adopts and names "Kissy-Cat." Things seem to be looking up for Jenny and her new music career when, of course, Kissy-Cat kicks the kitty bucket. Jenny is sad, but then she's on her way to becoming Sweden's biggest singing star and a national hero. The story concludes with noting that it is a fictionalization of a true story.
Kissy-Cat's death is almost mentioned as an "oh yeah, we need to end that storyline" afterthought so it is not as emotionally crushing as it is annoying because the cat is mentioned in the title -- and who kills off a title character?! Naturally, the cat can't live forever and it is supposedly based on the true story of Jenny Lind, but then why get kids all excited to read a story about animals? Why not just call it The Story of Jenny Lind or Don't Get Too Attached to That Cat.
On the scale of books that scar children forever, Jenny Lind and Her Listening Cat doesn't even come close to Old Yeller or The Yearling, but is worse than say Henry and Ribsy where at least the pet gets to live. Recommended for: people who like to gently sob into their pillow while denying that they're crying because it's probably just something in their eye, ok?!

Herb Moss

No, really, that's his name. You see, Herb Moss is just your average half-human, half-plant clone, just looking for love in the cold universe. I think the Space Babe in the background is Spring herself. She has just emerged from her Shower Pod clad in nothing save for her too-small towel. They use Space Water out there in space, so your hair doesn't get all wet and tangly. Herb looks a little horrified, which is a strange reaction if you're out looking for love in the cold depths of the universe, but maybe that's just how plant guys are.

It really looks like a cover from the fifties, but it was published in 2000. I only skimmed it, but it does not appear to be ironic, just an attempt to be breezy and cute.

It's Bad Author Photo Time

This one is easy. Jim Butcher is the crazy-popular author of the mega-successful Dresden Files books. I don't even read Sci-Fi and think they're pretty good. The author photo, however, is a different story. Maybe it's the My-Brain-Is-So-Giant-I-Have-To-Prop-Up-My-Head pose. Maybe it's the arched eyebrow that tells us that he's knows we're not as smart as him. But really, I think it's the hair. Long hair on any guy who isn't up on stage in a band at the very moment you see him or maybe Fabio (if he's still alive) looks kind of silly. Now that I think about it, forget Fabio. The flowing locks are what I like to call the Hola Babes look. "All I have to do," the long locked fellow thinks, "is shake my head like this and the ladies are gonna flock to me."

Are we that gullible? Yes. Yes we are.

About 30 years ago, David Bowie put out an album called Lodger. Pretty good album, some good songs on it. One song got on the radio that I didn't think much of and stayed on the radio far longer than it deserved. It was called "DJ," and had lines like

I am a D.J.,

I am what I play

I got believers believing me

Like so much of Bowie, it sounds way better than it reads. In any event, by sucking up to the people who put the music over the air, he got a lot more mileage off his album. That, I believe, was what was going on with The Dewey Decimal System of Love, by Josephine Carr. In our case, it totally worked. We bought the Large Print edition when it came out and kept it on the shelf year after year, even as it did not circulate. But then I came along with my belief that books have to earn their keep in order to stay on the shelves, so The Dewey Decimal System of Love goes the way of actual card catalogs and quiet in the library.

Old Gimmick Hits New Trash Can

I just unburdened our shelves of this little gem. It was for all of us know-it-alls who second guess their way through mystery novels, trying to stay a step ahead of the hero. I guess they had an actual award. That's certainly one way to boost sales. The best part for me was that you had to send a buck fifty in with your solution as an "entry fee." So after the first 6667 suckers contestants sent in their fees, it was all gravy.

The contest ended in 1991, so don't get excited. This happened during the dark, pre-Internet age, so my searches for the winner turned up nothing.